Sunday, May 5, 2013

Too much

Today I woke up in less pain than the day before. I was so grateful for that. It's not easy some days. I hate sounding like the woe is me, my life is too painful sort. Right now I feel like in my mind that is all I do. Complain about the lot I've been given. Last night as I was heading to bed and wondering just what to do about current situation (major issues with chronic pain) I had the distinct impression that maybe I am pushing too hard. The reality started to sink in that Christ took upon himself all the sins and even physical pain we would experience on this earth. I started trying to wrap my mind around that. If that's true then why am I still in pain? Do I not have enough faith?

I figure in my mind that there must be a reason. Kind of like the story of Christ not coming till the fourth watch. The disciples were in a terrible storm and had been fighting the waves for quite some time when it became increasingly hard to go on. Christ walked out to them during the fourth watch. Maybe that's whats happening? I need some help right now. There is too much going on in my life and my mind feels like it is racing to keep up with everything but falling short. As much as I want to be positive and uplifting for everyone who reads this blog, I kinda just need to drop that expectation of myself. I'm here and I'm trying and depression and pain are real. It sucks to say that. Wouldn't it be nice if we were all happy all the time? Or would that be worse because we wouldn't know what unhappiness and a pain filled life are like to contrast it?

Just some thoughts on my mind today since I can't seem to concentrate enough to do homework.

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